The problem with the imagination is that it's so short-sighted that nothing that ever really sparks excitement will necessarily happen in real life. We can dream, fantasize, walk around in a cloud of misty pink and purple haze, and then wake up to realize we have to leave all that behind if we want to walk out our front doors and approach the real world with any amount of true confidence. This is the way i've found myself in lately.
It is far too easy a thing to "think up" something that would make you happy. A place to live, a job you love, enough money in the bank to get you places you think are awesome, and someone awesome to share it with. But what actually ends up happening to us will oftentimes leave us wondering why we ever had those dreams in the first place. Life is so crazy and fast-pace that what we think will make us happy, when it does occur, doesn't make us happy at all. To leave a moment in which you were the happiest you can remember in a long time, and then to think back on it is one thing. But to falsely hope that that same situation will occur again, and you will feel the same way, is sometimes asking too much. Happiness, is a lot like the wind. When it blows, it seems so refreshing and exactly what you needed at that moment, but you can never garuntee when it will blow the same way again.
I believe it's the book of Hebrews that says that God has "set eternity in the hearts of men, but they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." That is so true. I can see that with every passing happiness in my life. I've liked my number of handsome men (broken cisterns that cannot hold water. Jeremiah.) I've aspired to greater things than i am qualified for, and i've spoken a word too soon once or twice in the search for what my fleshly heart would consider my own happiness, which equates to heightening myself above others, which when applied to everyday life for more than a week, will bring you to your knees in repentence and misery. To sum things up, i'm tired of my own false hopes and aspirations. Tired of always dreaming the life, and settling for reality. Reality should be the life. And my life IS Christ, "the life that is truly life." according to the apostle Paul. Whynot search out Him for the dreams He has for me? Whynot trust Him for the source of true joy? And take these dreams i dream, and delight in Him. Then maybe my desires will be like His, and this life will become what i had always dreamed it would be. :)
If this makes any sense to you, you are a good friend for reading. Just wanted to post my thoughts on Vox. Until the next breakthrough........
Jodes
As i sit in my soon to be previous apartment here in Bowling Green, i am gripped by an urge to write something on my vox. So here goes. In the midst of trying to figure out what to take home, and what to leave for the next time i'm in town, i'm thinking about my life. Oldies are playing on the radio, and i'm pretending it's 1964. When i see this time on tv, or read about it in books, i always think times must've been so much simpler and more pleasant. People must've really listened to each other when they spoke, no secret agendas, and no one seemed to be in a hurry to get anywhere or do anything because whatever it was that needed to get accomplished could wait. But then, i wasn't there. It could just be my sometimes- too- vivid imagination.
Sometimes i wonder what my purpose is in life. One day i'm so sure it is one thing, then the next moment i'm not sure if i was delusional or confused. When i pray i get one signal, but then i'm not sure if that's just what i want, or what God really wants from me. Sometimes i ask myself the question, "Is God really enough?"
The heart is such a strange, confusing, and often scary place. The prophet Jeremiah called it "deceitful beyond cure, who can understand it?" When i think of the feeling i get when i see a wide open space from atop a mountain with the wind blowing in my face, the taste of the salt-water and smell of fish in the ocean, or the ever-potent yard of fresh-cut grass, i am taken to another place. My heart is SO happy in those moments, and i wish i could bottle them up to enjoy them whevever i wanted, not just whenever they occur. But if life were about me and what i wanted, pretty much everyone else would probably be either suffering, or dead. I can be incredibly selfish at times, wanting everyone else to yield to my desires- expecting them to know what they are, and fulfill them accordingly. Sorry self, you're not God. I would like to really know God better.
I know that you can know God as a person, since He was a person, but i still feel like something's missing in our relationship. Maybe He's tired of my cheating on him with all these other things i'd filled my heart with, or He could be giving me some time to realize that He is my only source of joy, and without him and fellowship with him, i am lost and lonely. No boys, clothes, music, friendships, or sunny days will replace Him. If He is not first in my heart, then something else is. This is where i am today. Thank you for reading! Adios voxers.........
now back to the music
I love Nashville!
Today, i went shopping at Oprymills mall con mi hermana (with my sister) and it was fun! I've been in need of some new threads lately. But even while at home, working, getting paid, and enjoying the sun and pool, i feel a certain sadness creep over me that i just can't quite get rid of. Sometimes i feel like my prayers are just bandaids covering wounds. That i'm offering lip service, rather than life-service to God. And He's not easily fooled. I'm not sure what to do.
My life right now is a series of ups and downs emotionally, which is what emotion is really. But i fear that i'm walking in disobedience by fearing man. In my quest to raise support i've run into a major stumbling block. FEAR. the Fear of man. My parents for instance. Their disapproval of my doing college ministry in Costa Rica with Campus Crusade for Christ has really been hard to live with, especially while trying to make calls to supporters and such. It's made me question whether or not God's really calling me to do this in the first place. All kinds of lies are filling my head like, "why would anyone give to a hypocrite like you?" "you're never going to be happy because you will always live in this bondage" or "you're just being selfish by asking other people for money." So needless to say, God is working in a major way in my life, for the good i know, but right now it's rather ugly, and hard. But hey, he never said it would be easy, He only said i've never go alone. When i seek His word about the situation, i feel peace about it; a very strong peace that isn't easily taken away, which is very encouraging to me. If you are reading this, pray that God would have his will be done in my life, no matter what i do.
Isaiah 51:12 says "I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men who are but grass, that you forget the Lord your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foudations of the earth;
that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor? The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread,
For i am the Lord your God, who churns up the sea so that its waves roar-the Lord Almighty is his name. I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand- I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foudations of the earth, and who say to Zion, "You are my people!"
Peace and Grace,
Miss Jodie
Someone has said, "Life is what happens when we're making other plans."
The biggest assignment of the semester for one of my classes was due today and i spent FAR too much time working on it (i'm talkin all night lastnight till 3am this morning, and beginning this morning at 7am and working till 3pm), because i have done the classic work of a college student, and procrastinated in the past weeks, not thinking it would take all that long to complete. But whoe, did it.
Just when i think i have learned something, i'm whipped back into shape by reality and brought back down to earth to see my real self face to face. I spend so much time daydreaming about the future, that the present is so frequently abandoned,and no wonder i don't enjoy what i do everyday, or am impatient with people, and stressed and blame others for what i can't figure out. I'm always thinking that trusting God comes in the future, since i'm graduating and would like to know what i'm doing next year. But what about what happened today? What can i learn from that to carry with me, to make me more like Christ, because God is not just in the future, or the past, but He resides in the present. So, where is he now? This is what i need to see. I applied to spend a year overseas with Campus Crusade as an Intern, doing ministry(i.e. sharing the Gospel) with college students at the University of Costa Rica. I'm not sure why. Sometimes i think i'm crazy for doing such a thing. But i got accepted yesterday. It rocked my boat a little. I honestly didn't think it would work out, because i want it too bad. But it did.
Do i trust the Lord and go through with it, even when the people who are closest to me would think i'm a total idiot and be completely disappointed in me? This is the hardest decision i've ever come to. But it also lets me see with clarity how much i've lived to please my parents. At the thought of disappointing them, i am almost unwilling to even trust God, because it's too hard. And it tears my heart apart to think i could upset them. But then i see in me a sad loneliness and timidity. I let other's opinions affect how i think of myself and how i act and feel. This is sin. The Bible clearly states, "fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe." A beautiful verse to quote, but hard to believe. In another section of scripture, Jesus says, "How can you believe if you accept praise from men, but make no effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God?" Good question.
I graduate in six weeks. From college. Oh yes. That's right. I'll have a "Bachelorette's" degree in Behavioral Sciences, which is my take on the certification i will have earned. And for what? Well, presumably to get a job so my parents don't worry that they will be left to support me for too long. I don't want to be supported by them either. I just want a plan, and i don't. I have the world at my fingertips. I mean, Dr. Seuss said "oh the places you will go!" right? Student teaching is boring. Does that mean i shouldn't be a teacher? It'll be different when i have my own classroom, i know, but i wanna do stuff of some adventure before settling down. Why do those people in the movies make it look so easy? Just take off. Take the next Greyhound outta this town and go for a ride. Sounds nice. Who knows? We shall soon see.
And i don't feel any different!
Well, aside from the fact that i am now officially a student teacher with WKU at Potter Gray Elementary school in BG, KY! Today was my second day, and i have LOTS to go through from now until graduation, but i am super pumped! The teacher i'm under is a reading teacher only. Turns out, the classes rotate between four teachers who all teach different subject areas. I've yet to be in a school like this, so i'm learning new things in the new year!
Speaking of New Years, i was on my way back on a ten hour drive from North Carolina where i attended the Winter Conference with Campus Crusade. I have to say i didnt' take much away from it, aside from new info about what is termed STINT, short term international. This is an opportunity to spend one year in another country sharing the Gospel on college campuses and learning a new language. I would be on a team of other Americans, living and taking classes together and such. What a fantastic opp this would be! But i tend to get excited about things really quickly and not pray first about them. Lately i'm having trouble being decisive about anything. I need to learn to make up my mind, and stick with it. Commitment is not something i'm used to. But i was thinking the other day, "am i as committed to Jesus, and Jesus is to me?" This is a good question for me to keep in my mind. Scripture says that even when we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, because HE cannot disown himself! What good news! ,as my emotions are so oftentimes misleading.So since God is pretty decisive about what He wants, shouldn't i be if he's living in me? Maybe so. At least more than i am now. I'm interested to see how He'll use me this semester at Potter Gray. Back to the books, and for now, auvior and adios! Until next time. Keep it clicked, right here. Life of Jracquel. Peace and Grace!
Today was my last day to spend in the Kindergarten classroom that i've been assigned to for my Block II semester of Elementary Education. It's a great feeling to know that i no longer must stress over how to execute a great lesson, or have that perfect assessment that correlates directly to "Core Content." However, i still have the love of the trade sitting peacefully in the harbor of my heart. I look at these beautiful, perfect skinned little faces, and think, "What a glorious God." They are all like little sponges that soak up every little detail. Details that i so often miss, or lack even the capacity to recognize. Life is such a funny thing. We start out asking why to everything we come across, wanting to learn as much as we can, simply because that's the way we're wired. And we end it in complacency when there is nothing more that can tickle our fancy because, after all, there's nothing new under the sun. It's so refreshing to be around little sponges. You recognize that there's a lot more they see in you, than you see in yourself. I've found that the more "full of crap" i think i am, the more genuinely inquisitive they become. Therefore, i must look beyond the words that are coming out of my mouth, to the faces who are receiving the information. It's a good exercise in knowing yourself, actually. They will tell you straight up what they think/see in you, and that can be pretty humbling! But also very helpful!
Since Thanksgiving is just around the corner, they've been studying Pilgrims and Indians. I took a few snapshots to share here:
This is Konnor, sharing his vest with me. His Indian name is "Wise Owl"
Colby, Chloe, and Caleb pose, Caleb blocking Chloe with his Moracca!
The same three again sporting their entire get-up!
And this is Nena! The very girly, likes to take care of everyone, student! She shakes her morraca while sporting her Indian outfit!
Hopefully i'll get a chance to get a group shot before Christmas break! We'll see. That's all for now!
Today was the first day i ever considered getting a masters degree. Before, i just thought, "oh, well my grades suck, i'll never be accepted into a grad school!" But now it actually seems possible. Yes, more money would be dished out, but they say in the long run, it's far better than not getting it if you're planning on teaching. And my only reason for not pursuing it was that poor schools tend not to hire people when they have their Masters because they have to pay them more money. Apparently, that doesn't stand true anymore. Good to know. So now it's a matter of what i'd want to get a Masters IN. And which schools have good programs. I really don't want to stay here at WKU. I've been here long enough. We'll see. On to homework!
Ha. i was just reading through that last entry, and had to make a quick correction to the fact that i would be going to Portland in December. I definitely won't be now because of a sudden realization that apparently it takes big bucks to fly to really cool places like Portland, and this Jodie Upchurch doesn't quite have enough. Bummer!! But whatever. It wasn't written in the Book! What can i say? I'm still planning on visiting sometime when i have some vacation and even if i can't afford it, Portland and friends from project will be worth the trip! We'll see, as they all say! Aww....Portland....
Algun dia!! Algun dia!! Cuando tengo dinero y tiempo y la gracia de Dios! :)
Hello fellow voxers. One of you, Rebecca!!, has requested that i update you on just what exactly happened while i was in Colorado. This is a great idea, so i will do so now!
The last post i put up was written when i hadn't even been in Ft. Collins all that long. It's hard to sum up seven weeks of a summer project, but i will try. First of all, i was heavily challenged in stepping outside of my comfort zone and living with three other girls in an apartment from Georgia, Washington, and West Virginia. There were around 26 of us in all, from states ranging from Connecticut, to Washington, and then up to Canada! I LOVED meeting people from these amazing places that i've never even been before. Hopefully, i'll be able to travel some in the future, and now i have cool peeps to look up on the way!
There wasn't all that much in the city of Ft. Collins besides the Campus Crusade staff training that happens every two summers, on the campus of Colorado State University. The campus there is beautiful, and the weather being perfect also makes it nice! So, my day job was to teach and counsel staff kids while their parents were being trained! It was me and three other peeps from around the area. As the summer progressed, there were just two couselors in each room. It was a GREAT job for me, and i really enjoyed the kids. Most of them were from Orlando, Fl where Crusade's headquarters is, but some were from Indiana, New York, and West Virginia..and such.
When we weren't at our day job, we were doing some outreaches in the community of Ft. Collins; parks, downtown, and such, sharing Christ. Overall, 12 people came to know Christ this summer, and that was the most exciting part of it! I got a lot better prepared to share my faith through practicing it so much and now i feel i have a much stronger foundation as a leader in the movement (Crusade and God's Kingdom) this last school year. I really miss the people i met, but know that there is much hope for seeing them in the future. If not here on earth, then in our new home in Heaven, where we will be able to praise our Father forever! :) On an earthly note, i'm flying out to Portland in December for their winter conference, so i really will see some of them again! WHOOHOO! That will be an exciting four days! :) I hope it snows ALOT, because around these parts we don't get much.
And now I'm hangin out in Bowling Green waiting for my last year of college to begin! It's a bittersweet time. I'm SO excited to almost be a college graduate, but am realizing how many pressing decisions await me in a matter of months. It's a great time to trust our Lord! He is good and He will provide no matter the circumstances. :) So that's pretty much it for me right now. My memories are very vivid and the details are far more than i could write here. You'll have to visit facebook and look at pics, or maybe i'll post some here. Oh, and i met this way rad fella from the potato state! (Idaho). More on that later. Love yas and get back witcha soon!
